Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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