worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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