Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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