When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
