The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
