she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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