I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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