do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I want to fling myself into the sun
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