I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize