My liver just broke up with me...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
