Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
