i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
