i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
its liver damage thursday
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
