one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
