i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize