If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
