Someone shit on the floor
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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