an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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