I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Use "feeling words"
Yay
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
