Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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