I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I am available for nakedness
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
