the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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