I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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