Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wish you could order shots online.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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