Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
