I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
