I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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