plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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