my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
