I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
