my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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