Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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