my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize