We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
