I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
