I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
don't judge my taste in strippers
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
