dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize