I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
