have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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