I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
