I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
