Your dad touched me again.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
where are my eyebrows?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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