I look better un-naked...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
