I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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