On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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