she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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