I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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