I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
pray to the hookup gods
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
