If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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