Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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