And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
