Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
