I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
