Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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