$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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