We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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