There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
