I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just had sex on a roof
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
