Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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