So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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