Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
