i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
